DariaThe Mask: My BigHead Girl
by Shallow15
Summary: One bad day and an erroneous package shipment lead to trouble for Lawndale when Daria gets her hands on a strange jade mask with some unusual effects on the one who wears it. "Daria" copyright (C)2003 MTV and Viacom, "The Mask" (C) 2003 Dark Horse Comics


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DARIA/THE MASK:

MY BIG HEAD GIRL

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A crossover fanfic by Erin Mills

CONTINUITY NOTES: This story takes place at the following times...

"Daria" - Between "Boxing Daria" and "Is It College Yet?" 

"The Mask" - Following the "Toys In The Attic" storyline.

ISSUE 1 (OF 4): "One Bad Day"

(We open on an airport terminal pad. From the types of planes we can see, this is an area for cargo planes rather than passenger jets. We see a couple of crew members unloading packages from a FEDES delivery plane onto a cart for movement to another jet.)

CREW GUY #1: So I'm talking to her and I say, "Look, just because it CAN fit up there, doesn't mean it SHOULD! I mean, what if the chicken doesn't like it up there?"  
  
CREW GUY #2: That's really sick, Bill.  
  
CREW GUY #1: Aaah, you're just an old prude, Jim.

(As the two continue to talk, a package comes down the conveyer belt from the plane. The label shows it to be on it's way to a Vivian Chung in Hong Kong. As it passes by the controls for the belt, there's a spark and the conveyer belt speeds up, spewing packages all over the tarmac.)

CREW GUY #1: Oh, shit!

(As the packages go flying, the Hong Kong package sails through the air, and bounces off the cart, ripping the packing tape. Another package sails through the air and knocks a similar sized package off the cart. It also catches the cart on the edge and rips the packing tape.)

(Both packages crash to the tarmac, the ripped tape giving way, causing the contents of both packages to spew out their contents in a shower of styrofoam peanuts. A plaster skull bounces out of the second, while a strange jade mask with painted red eyes rolls out of the first. Both items roll across the tarmac, each winding up next to the box the other came from.)

(The crew finally manages to shut off the conveyor and begins rounding up the packages. One of the crew guys comes over to the two boxes. He's puzzling over them when…)

CREW GUY #2: BILL! Hurry up and get those two repacked! The boss is coming!

(Crew Guy #1 eeps and quickly shoves the items into the boxes along with as many peanuts as possible, gets out a roll of packing tape, seals the boxes up and places them on the cart. As he does so, we see the box with the jade mask inside. After the box is sealed, we see the address label as it's placed on the cart: )

ADDRESS LABEL: Daria Morgendorffer, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale USA 

(Cut to Lawndale High School)

CAPTION: Lawndale, USA. Two to Four Weeks Later…

(We see O'Neill's classroom. The class is bored to tears as usual.)

O'NEILL: So what exactly is Louis Stevenson trying to tell us in "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?" Daria?

DARIA: (sighs) I believe the general consensus is that Mr. Hyde is supposed to represent the evil inherent in all humanity.

O'NEILL: True, but if we look closer at the motivations of Mr. Hyde, isn't there a commentary on the social injustices of Victorian London?

DARIA: No.

O'NEILL: No? Oh...well then, how about the brutal slaying of Sir Danvers Carew. Surely the murder of a knighted nobleman has a broader social context.

DARIA: No, it doesn't.

O'NEILL: Oh dear? Why?

DARIA: Well, for starters, Hyde already trampled a girl from the lower classes, proving that he doesn't give a damn about anyone's social status. But, in all honesty, I think all this symbolism you're looking for doesn't exist since Louis Stevenson himself allegedly referred to it as a "bogey tale," meaning that he was out to scare people, not write some social commentary.

O'NEILL: But can a writer TRULY write something that is meant to be a simple story? After all, each author is a product of their time, and Louis Stevenson's "bogey tale" may indirectly be a social critique on the class struggle that was evident back then, and indeed, today...

(Dissolve to later. The class is leaving. Daria and Jane make their way to the door.)

O'NEILL: Oh, Daria? Could I see you for just a minute.

(Daria sighs again.)

JANE: I'll save you a place in line.

DARIA: Oh please do, I can't wait to get even more frozen lasagna that I do at home.

(Jane smirks and leaves. Daria turns to O'Neill.)

O'NEILL: Daria, are you feeling all right?

DARIA: Aside from my resentment at being kept from lunch, I'm fine.

O'NEILL: Well, it's just that I noticed you didn't really participate in the discussion. I thought the subject matter would appeal to you.

DARIA: Look, Mr. O'Neill, I didn't have a problem with the book, I just don't agree with your anaylsis.

O'NEILL: Then you don't believe there is evil inherent in everyone?

DARIA: I don't believe in evil. 

O'NEILL: You don't? What about people like Joseph Stalin? Mussolini? Hitler?

DARIA: They were insane and mass murdering butchers, but I don't think they were evil as people seem to think of the concept. I think humanity's just selfish, and the more selfish you are the more society hates it, and slaps the label "evil" on it to justify it's own indignation.

O'NEILL: (brightening) Oh my! That's brilliant, Daria!

DARIA: Excuse me?

O'NEILL: In fact, I've come up with a wonderful idea. Another special assignment!

DARIA: Mr. O'Neill...

O'NEILL: I want you to apply this philosophy of yours to "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde." You can do this anaylsis in lieu of the regular assignment!

DARIA: I didn't expect to have to defend my position.

O'NEILL: But it's such a fresh perspective! I know the other students will find it as fascinating as I do!

DARIA: Hang on a minute. What do you mean?

O'NEILL: You can write the anaylsis, read it to the class, and then we'll have an inclass debate to see which interpretation they think is true!

DARIA: Oh, God...

O'NEILL: Don't worry, Daria. I'm sure the other kids will find your ideas intriguing.

DARIA: Sure they will...and then they'll get that lynching they've always wanted.

(Cut to the hallway, as school is ending. Daria and Jane are walking down the hall.)

DARIA: ...so now I have to write an analysis showing how Mr. Hyde isn't a representation of evil, but of selfishness. And present it to the class on Monday.

JANE: Shame. You should have said that Hitler wasn't selfish, just cranky.

DARIA: Oh yes, I remember that discussion. Hitler didn't really intend to kill every Jewish person in Europe, he just got up on the wrong side of the bed.

JANE: And there was no strudel. Unless you point out there was no strudel that morning, the whole thing falls apart.

DARIA: (sighs again) I don't know. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut from now on.

(They arrive at their lockers. Jane opens hers easily, but Daria's is being stubborn. She fiddles with the latch.)

DARIA: (muttering) Come on you stupid...

(She yanks hard on the latch and the door flies open and slams right in her face. Daria loses her balance and lands flat on her butt in the hallway, a few other kids around laugh at her. Daria blushes, embarrassed. And to add to all this, Upchuck arrives on the scene.)

UPCHUCK: What's this? A fair maiden in distress? Please, allow me to help you up.

(He holds out a hand. Daria looks at him skeptically, then takes it. He hauls Daria up, but deliberately pulls a little too hard, causing Daria to stagger past him slightly, and her skirt to flip up slightly. Upchuck leers at the brief glimps of Daria's undergarments. Daria spots the leer, and responds with a quick twist of the foot, that trips Upchuck and sends him sprawling on the floor.)

DARIA: Try that again, and you will find yourself bending in ways men were not meant to bend.

UPCHUCK: (groans)

DARIA: (to Jane) Let's go. 

(They walk down the hall, Jane looks visibly concerned)

JANE: Are you sure you're okay? I've never seen you get that...

DARIA: Pissed?

JANE: Physical. What's the problem?

DARIA: I don't know. I just woke up in a really bad mood this morning, and the day hasn't gotten any better.

JANE: Ah. Well, I know what can make a bad day better. Pizza, my treat. 

DARIA: (considers for a minute) All right. What the hell.

JANE: That's the spirit! Let's cut through the stadium. Less chance of running into any other members of the Jerk Patrol.

(They head out a side door of the school and out to the stadium, where the football team is practicing. We see Kevin calling a play.)

KEVIN: Blue 32! Blue 32! Set...hut HIKE!

(The team scatters. Kevin rears back for a pass and throws. The reciever misses and the ball flies right into the back of Daria's head.)

DARIA: Aaaah! 

(She falls forward. Her glasses fall off her face and she lands on them with a sickening CRUNCH. Daria gets back up, and holds up her glasses. The frames are bent out of shape and one of the lenses is severely cracked.)

DARIA: Crap.

(Kevin and Mack come up.)

MACK: Hey, Daria, you okay?

(Jane helps Daria back to her feet.)

DARIA: Yeah, I'm fine. 

KEVIN: Dude, why did you walk right there? Practice is in session!

DARIA: I'm sorry, I thought walking a full thirty yards away from the field would be safe.

KEVIN: But, we were practicing! Only the team and the cheerleaders are supposed to be on the field during practice!

MACK: Kevin...

KEVIN: You know that Mack Daddy...it's like our church or something, but without Jesus...

MACK: Shut up, Kevin!

(Daria glares at Kevin, then sighs, too worn out to even make a sarcastic comment. She walks off.)

JANE: Kevin, do me a favor?

KEVIN: Yeah?

JANE: The next time you see Brittany, ask her how much she liked hanging out with Phil Stevens, will you?

KEVIN: Phil? The line backer?

JANE: That's him. Adios, boys.

MACK: Bye Jane. Tell Daria I'm sorry about that.

JANE: Will do. (she runs to catch up with Daria. Mack and Kevin turn to go back to the field.)

KEVIN: HEY! SINCE WHEN WAS BRITTANY HANGING OUT WITH PHIL?!

(Outside the stadium, Jane finally catches up with Daria.)

JANE: Daria, wait up!

(Daria sighs again and stops)

JANE: Look, don't worry, we'll get pizza and everythng will be fine.

DARIA: Actually, I'm just gonna take a rain check on the pizza. Right now I just want to go home, grab my spare glasses and a book and forget today ever happened.

JANE: Well, okay...if you're sure you're gonna be okay.

DARIA: (smiling slightly) I'll be fine. Besides, Tom's taking me out to the movies tonight. 

JANE: (grinning) Ahhhh. Say no more.

DARIA: Keep your NC-17 rated thoughts to yourself, Lane.

JANE: Oh right, I forgot...you have plenty of your own to amuse yourself with.

DARIA: Bitch.

JANE: (grins)

(Chez Morgendorffer. Jane and Daria part company. Daria holds her glasses up to her face, opens the door, and goes inside.)

HELEN: (from offscreen) Daria? Is that you?

DARIA: Yeah. (she drops her backpack on the couch. Helen comes into the room.)

HELEN: Oh good, I was hoping that--what happened to your glasses?

DARIA: An ill advised shortcut. Don't worry, I still

have my spares up in my room.

HELEN: Hmm, all right. Anyway, Daria, I'm glad I caught you. Your father and I are having dinner with one of his clients, but I'm expecting an important call from California here tonight, so I need you to be here so you can give them my cell phone number.

DARIA: You mean they don't have it already?

HELEN: The damn printers left it off my business cards! They finally get my correct email address on there, and leave off the cell phone number. So, of course, which card does Richardson get when he swings by the office last week?

DARIA: Mom! 

HELEN: Oh! (ahem) Anyway, sweetie, since your father and I won't be home, I need to be sure that Mr. Richardson gets my cell phone number.

DARIA: What about Quinn?

HELEN: Quinn has a date.

DARIA: So do I. Tom is taking me to the Peckinpah film festival tonight.

HELEN: Peckinpah? Daria, I'm not so sure I want you seeing all that violence...

DARIA: Mom, there's worse stuff on primetime TV.

HELEN: Well, either way, maybe you could catch a late showing with Tom after Mr. Richardson calls.

DARIA: He said he was picking up the tickets this afternoon.

HELEN: (sighs) All right, Daria, I'll pay for the later show.

DARIA: Throw in money for dinner and you have a deal.

HELEN: Admission and snacks, final offer.

DARIA: It's been a bad day...

HELEN: And it's going to get worse if you don't stop pushing your luck.

DARIA: All right. Deal.

HELEN: Good. (she goes back into the kitchen for her purse. Daria follows.)

(Cut to the kitchen. Helen picks up her purse. There is a small box on the kitchen table.)

HELEN: (indicating the package) Oh, that came in the mail for you today. 

DARIA: Oh good. My replica came. 

HELEN: Replica? Of what?

DARIA: The Elephant Man's skull.

HELEN: Daria...(she gives Daria a few bills, and looks like she's about to start in on the skull when the phone rings. She pickes it up.) Helloooo, Helen Morgendorf--Oh, hello Tom! Yes, she's right here.

(Helen hands the phone to Daria, then leaves the room. Split screen, Daria on the left, Tom on the right.)

DARIA: Hello.

TOM: Hey, how're things going?

DARIA: I got stuck with a stupid assignment on the nature of evil in English class, my locker wouldn't open, Upchuck made a more blatant pass than usual, my glasses are broken, and I have to shove our date back a couple of hours because one of Mom's clients never got her cell number, so I have to act as operator. All in all, it's been a lousy day.

(Tom's expression grows uncomfortable.)

TOM: Gee...um, I hate to say this, but your day's about to get worse. My dad just announced that we don't spend enough time together as a family, and as such he's hauling us off to the theatre tonight. 

DARIA: Didn't you tell him we had a date?

TOM: I tried, but he just threw a wad of cash at me and told me to take you out tomorrow instead. "Tonight's a night for family." he said.

DARIA: Great. 

TOM: If it makes you feel any better, Elsie got screwed over too.

DARIA: Not really.

TOM: Sorry, if I'd know your day was already that bad--

DARIA: It's fine. Forget about it. I should have seen it coming anyway.

TOM: So, we'll go see "The Wild Bunch" tomorrow, then?  
  
DARIA: Sure. Have fun at the theatre.

TOM: Did I mention it's "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?"

DARIA: Suddenly, I don't feel so bad. 

(The two share a quiet laugh.)

TOM: All right. I have to go, gotta make the old man happy.

DARIA: Make sure you take some cellophane wrapped candy. See if you can put the dancers off their stride.

TOM: Good idea. I'll see you tomorrow.

DARIA: Bye.

(They hang up. Daria sighs, picks up the phone again and dials.)

(Split screen, Daria on the left, Jane on the right.)

JANE: Yo.

DARIA: Hey, it's me. Tom's being shanghaied into an evening of pain, suffering, and bad musical theatre. Feel like letting me cash in that rain check?

JANE: Ouch. No can do, amiga. The muse mugged me as soon as I got into the room. It's gonna be a long night of painting for me. You know how it is.

DARIA: (sighs) Yeah, I do.

JANE: You could come over and watch...

DARIA: No, that's all right. I have to stick around here tonight, anyway.

JANE: Sorry.

DARIA: It's okay. Have fun. 

(They hang up. Daria sighs again,picks up the box and goes up to her room.)

(Cut to Daria's room, later. She's reading a book on her bed, now wearing her spare glasses. Quinn comes into the room.)

QUINN: Daria, have you seen my fuschia scarf?

DARIA: No.

QUINN: Are you sure? Because I thought I left it in the bathroom, and it might have gotten mixed up with your laundry, though I don't know how Dad would have made that mistake and--

DARIA: (slamming her book shut and looking up) You have exactly three seconds to shut up and get the hell out of my room.

QUINN: Jeez, sorry Daria. You know just because Tom canceled your date is no reason to take it out on those of us who do have things to do tonight.

DARIA: Three.

QUINN: I mean, if I were in your position, I'd just go out anyway and find some nice guy to take me out.

DARIA: Two.

QUINN: But then, Tom might get jealous and the two of them would--

DARIA: ONE!

(She gets up off the bed and begins stalking towards Quinn.)

QUINN: Eep!

(Quinn dashes out of the room, Daria slams the door shut, then turns back to the room.)

DARIA: God, just kill me now, please.

(As she walks back to the bed, she spots the box. It's still unopened.)

DARIA: Well, at least one thing went right today.

(She moves the box to the desk, cuts open the packing tape and roots through the peanuts, finally unearthing the jade mask with the red eyes. She stares at it for a moment.)

DARIA: (deadpan) This is not what I ordered.

(Disgusted, she tosses the mask over her shoulder. It lands, face down on the floor behind her. Daria gets up from her desk. As she does so, we see he foot slip under the leg of her office chair. As she stands, she stumbles and falls. Landing face first into the mask.)

(there is a flash of light, and we now see a decidedly different Daria than before. She stands there in a more flatteringly cut and much more vibrant version of her usual outfit: short lime green jacket with magenta lapels, worn open over a lemon yellow low cut T-shirt. Lavender miniskirt that barely comes to mid-thigh and to top it all off, fire engine red boots with platform soles.

(And if the outfit is startling, even more so is Daria's new face. Her hairstlye is the same, but now her face is green, with cartoonishly huge blazing red eyes, and a mouthful of teeth the size of baseball cards set in a manic grin that seems to stretch all the way around her head. Her glasses have been replaced by a blue lensed pince-nez that is perched on her disproportionately small nose.)

DARIA: WELL, WOULDJA LOOKIE HERE! LIFE JUST SEEMED TO GET A HELLUVA LOT MORE INTERESTING!

(She turns to look out the window. It's a nice day, and the sun is setting.)

DARIA: AHHHH...A LOVELY SUNSET OVER SUBURBIA. THE MUTED GOLD OF THE SUN SLOWLY SINKING INTO THE DISTANCE. 'TIS TRULY A SIGHT FOR LOVERS EVERYWHERE. AH, TO BE YOUNG AND IN LOVE..OR ATLEAST, YOUNG AND HORNIER THAN A BACK ALLEY TOMCAT.

QUINN: (O/S) DARIAAAA! Could you keep it down? I'm trying to get ready in here!

DARIA: (grinning even larger) IS THIS MY SISTER I HEAR SCREAMING AT ME? a VIRTUOUS YOUNG MAIDEN FLAUNTING HER POPULARITY AND NEVER ENDING PARADE OF VACUOUS PEABRAINED MALES IN MY FACE WHEN MY PERSONAL LOVE MONKEY IS STUCK WATCHING ALLEDGED BIBLICAL FIGURES SING BAD POP MUSIC? NO! NO, I SAY! 

(Suddenly, we see Daria standing in front of a huge American flag, dressed as Patton.)

DARIA: MEN, NO POOR SAP EVER HAD A GOOD TIME BY LOUNGING ABOUT IN HIS BEDROOM, BITchING AND MOANING ABOUT WHAT A BAD DAY THEY HAD. No, THEY WENT OUT AND KICKED ASS AND TOOK NAMES OF THE MORONS WHO ruined their day AND MADE THEM PAY! oH YES, HOW THEY MADE THEM PAY! AND THEN THEY WENT BACK TO THEIR RESPECTIVE BED PARTNERS AND THEY--BUT THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE! aLL i WANT TO KNOW IS, aRE YOU WITH ME?!

(Cut to a whole HORDE of be-Masked Darias)

DARIAS: hELL, YES!!!

(Cut back to the "Patton" Daria)

DARIA: GOOD! NOW, LETS GET OUT THERE AND START HAVING SOME FUN--

(At this point we hear Quinn's voice again.)

QUINN: God, Daria, will you shut up! I can't hear by Boys R Guys CD!!

(Close up on Daria, with teeth.)

DARIA: BUT FIRST...

(Cut to Quinn's room. She is dressed in whatever the current fashion is. She is also standing in front of her mirrors putting on a pair of earrings.The sound of Boys R Guys wafts through the room.)

QUINN: (softly) And if you listen to me/I'll buy you a nice car...

(Suddenly there's a slam as her bedroom door bursts open. Quinn whirls around, ready to ream whoever barged in, but her angry expression turns to shock at the apparition before her.)

(Daria, dressed as a Euro trash fashion designer, is standing there, looking at Quinn with contempt.)

DARIA: YOU ARE _NOT_ SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING GOING OUT LIKE _THAT_, ARE YOU?

(Before Quinn can react, Daria is standing beside her. She grabs the sash around Quinn's waist.)

DARIA: DARLING, YOU SIMPLY _MUST_ LAY OFF THOSE GRANOLA BARS! tIME TO TIGHTEN THE OL' BELT...

(She yanks the belt as tight as it will go. Quinn gasps and turns an odd shade of red.)

DARIA: AND THOSE _SHOES!_

(Daria shoves Quinn over onto the bed, and replaces Quinn's high heels with a pair of ludicrous three foot thick platform soles. She then stands Quinn up, causing the redhead to whack her head into the light fixture and fall flat on her face. Quinn looks up, dazed, to see the green faced Designer From Hell, cupping her chin gently.)

DARIA: NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR MAKE UP...

(Daria holds up a cordless drill with a variety of makeup products on some bizzare Clockwork Orange style attachment with lots of pointy bits and sharp edges. She pulls the trigger on the drill, which whirrs violently, and grins,showing more teeth than any human head should be allowed to contain.)

(Cut to the exterior of Chez Morgendorffer)

QUINN: (O/S) GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

(Cut back to Quinn's room. We don't see Quinn, but we hear her in the background.)

QUINN: (O/S) ...oooooooogh...

(We do see Daria standing in front of Quinn's mirrors, back in the neon ensemble we saw previously.)

DARIA: WELL, THAT WAS FUN. BUT I SUPPOSE I REALLY SHOULD PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH. I MEAN, HERE I AM PLANNING A NIGHT TO END ALL NIGHTS ON THE TOWN, AND I CAN HARDLY GO OUT LOOKING LIKE _THIS_, CAN I?

QUINN: (O/S) ....uuuuggggghhhhh...

DARIA: GLAD YOU AGREE. NOW LET'S SEE HERE...

(Daria sticks her thumb in her mouth and begins blowing. Her cheeks puff, and her eyes bug out with the strain, when...*THOOMP!* *THOOMP!*)

(Daria is now much more...developed...than before, and cleavage is now visible in the low neckline of her shirt.)

DARIA: _MUCH_ BETTER! AND NOW, I MUST BE OFF! PLACES TO WRECK, THINGS TO DESTROY, PEOPLE TO DO! 

(Cut to the large picture window on the exterior of Chez Morgendorffer. Daria, wearing a pair of old-fashioned driving goggles, crashes through the window on board a large Harley-Davidson. She executes a tight turn on the lawn, and roars off down the street, leaving a trail of flame behind her.)

DARIA: WHOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Cut back to Quinn. Her room is a wreck and she stands there, done up like Elsa Manchester in "The Bride of Frankenstein." She has a dazed look on her face.)

QUINN: Wha'happened?

(Cut to the streets of downtown Lawndale. Daria is zipping along on the motorcycle, knocking over cars, garbage cans, pedestrians, basically anything that gets in her way.)

DARIA: (singing) I LIKE THE NIGHTLIFE, I LOVE TO BOOGIE...SOMETHING SOMETHING--

(She takes a turn the wrong way down a one way street, directly into the path of an oncoming semi truck)

DARIA: NYA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

(CRASH! The bike is totaled. Daria, however, simply goes sailing over the truck and over the horizon, still screaming.)

(Cut to Lawndale High stadium. The lights are on the football field and a locally televised game appears to be in progress. Daria comes screaming out of the sky and lands just outside the stadium, leaving a large crater. She staggers out, accordioning slightly.)

DARIA: NO MORE FOR ME THANK YOU, I'M DRIVING...

(She shakes her head, restoring her shape, then looks around.)

DARIA: WELL, ISN'T THIS CONVENIENT? PLAY BALL, BOYS!

(Cut to the inside of the stadium, Lawndale is winning over one of the other area high schools. We hear Upchuck's voice over the PA system.)

UPCHUCK: And as we go in to the second quarter of this, our first televised Lawndale High fooball game against the Lakeside Penguins, Lawndale leads the score 14 to 7. 

(Cut to the filed. The team is getting ready to mobilize. Kevin calls out the play, the ball is hiked, and the team scatters. Kevin looks for someone to pass the ball to.)

UPCHUCK: (O/S) QB Kevin Thompson has the ball, he's looking for an opening...

(Cut to a Lawndale receiver in the open, waving frantically. Kevin grins and hurls the ball at the player. The player intercepts it and begins running the wrong way towards the Lawndale end zone.)

UPCHUCK: He hurls the ball down field to an open receiver, but what's this? The receiver is running in the wrong direction! The players are standing dumbfounded!

(Kevin stares at the rogue player for a minute then...)

KEVIN: HEY!

(He begins running to catch up with the receiver. The receiver stops running, for a second then begins running towards Kevin.)

UPCHUCK: Folks, this has to be one of the strangest football games yours truly has ever announced, let alone the strangest in Lawndale High history. Kevin Thompson is going after the receiver, looks like he intends to stop the player before he scores a touchdown for the Penguins..wait, the receiver has changed course. He's heading right for Thompson!

(WHAM! The two collide and fall to the ground in a tangle of limbs. The othe rplayers crowd around)

UPCHUCK: OUCH! Tough break there Kevin, we felt that one up here in the booth.

(Down on the field, Kevin and the receiver are being stretched out on the grass. On eof the players takes off the helmet of the reciever, revealling the green hues visage of Daria!)

PLAYER: Hey! This dude's a chick!

(Daria's eyes pop open, and she grins with all her teeth. She reaches up and grabs the player standing over her.)

DARIA: THANKS, HANDSOME! MMMMMMMMMMMMM--WAA!

(She pulls the player close and kisses him, eventually leaving him covered in saliva. She then springs to her feet and throws the player aside.)

DARIA: NOW, WHERE'S THE BALL?

(She looks down, where Kevin has his helmet off and is moaning quietly,)

DARIA: THERE IT IS!

(She reaches down, tucks Kevin's head under her arm and dashes off, scattering the team, Kevin's body flapping behind her.)

KEVIN: MMMMMMPPPPHHHH!

DARIA: SHE'S AT THE 30...THE 20...THE 10...NO ONE WILL CATCH HER...AT LEAST, NOT IF THEY KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR THEM!

(She passes into the end zone, picks Kevin up by the shoulders, and hoists him over her head.)

KEVIN: Hey! Wait a seeeeccc--

DARIA: SHE CROSSES INTO THE END ZONE AND SPIKES THE BALL!

(And she does. Spiking Kevin so hard that his head is planted into the soil of the end zone. His body sticking upwards so he looks like an ostrich with it's head buried in the sand. Daria jumps into the air and begins doing a victory dance)

DARIA: TOUCHDOWN! THE CROWD GOES WILD! UH-HUH, UH-HUH! 

(She abruptly stops her dance as Mack grabs her shoulder and spins her around. We see the rest of the team standing behind him looking pissed. Daria herself has returned to her default outfit.)

MACK: All right, sister, game's over.

DARIA: OH, MACKY, MACKY, MACKY...YOU ARE SO RIGHT. THE GAME IS OVER--

(She turns away from him. Cut to a close up of Daria.)

DARIA: BUT THE FUN IS JUST BEGINNING!

MACK: WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?!

(We now see the football team running for their lives as Daria pursues them, now at the helm of a turbocharged bulldozer)

DARIA: (now wearing a hardhat and coveralls, looking at a surveyors map, chomping on a cigar) NOW LESSEE HERE...VINNIE SAID THE CONDUIT WAS AROUND HERE SOMEPLACE...

(The bulldozer knocks a few players up into the bleachers. The crowd of spectators is now screaming their heads off as they rush to escape. Daria yells out at the crowd)

DARIA: AWWW, QUIT YOUR BITCHING! JEEZ, IT'S NOT LIKE ANY OF YOU HAVEN'T EVER SEEN A BULLDOZER BEFORE.

(The bulldozer crashes into the scoreboard and makes a rather hasty exit from the stadium. The players and spectators that remain crowd around the bulldozer shaped hole in the wall. Mack and the team captain of the Penguins look at each other.)

PENGUINS CAPTAIN: What do you think? A draw?

MACK: Draw.

(They shake hands.)

(Cut to the Lawndale Arts Center)

CAPTION: Later, at the Lawndale Arts Center's charity production of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat..."

(Cut to the audience. We see the Sloane family. Angier and Katherine are enjoying the show, but Elsie and Tom just look bored. On stage is the usual flashy costuming and godawful music that constitues this alleged form of entertainment. The audience is rapt with attention, as the show is reaching the point of Pharoah's enterance. The giant sphinx face onstage rises, b ut instead of a bad Elvis impersonator, we see Daria dressed as Moses.)

DARIA: LET MY PEOPLE GO!

(The music abruptly stops and everyone in the room stares at her. Daria looks down at herself.)

DARIA: OH CRAP! WRONG BOOK. SORRY, GUYS, 

(She walks down the steps to hostile glares from the cast. She looks at them as she reaches the bottom)

DARIA: JEEZ, YOU MAKE ONE MISTAKE AND SUDDENLY THEY WANT TO CRUCIFY YOU...

(Silence. Then one of the cast members comes over to her.)

CAST MEMBER: (whispering) Get off the stage!

DARIA: (hands her staff to the cast member and pulls out a script) HOLD THIS FOR A SECOND, SKIP. I KNOW I WAS MEANT TO BE IN THIS SHOW SOMEWHERE... (She pages through the script)

(The cast member gets agitated and throws the staff down.)

CAST MEMBER: Look, you stupid bitch, you're holding up the show! Get off the damn stage!

DARIA: (finding a page in the script) Ah! HERE WE GO! STRANGE GREEN FACED GIRL INTERRUPTS PRETENTIOUS ROCK MUSICAL, MORONIC ILL-MANNERED CAST MEMBER CALLS HER A "STUPID BITCH," CUE, IN THE WORDS OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE WEBCOMICS...

(Cut to a scene of unbridled carnage, as Daria hauls out a massive machine gun and proceeds to fire it in random directions.)

DARIA: ...THE SEGUE TO UNNECESSARY VIOLENCE! NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(She continues firing indiscriminately. Cut to the Sloanes.)

ANGIER: GET DOWN!

(He grabs Katherine and Elsie and yanks them down, Tom hits the floor on his own. Up on stage, Daria runs out of ammunition.)

GUN: *CLICK**CLICK**CLICK*

DARIA: DAMN CHEAP AMERICAN MADE PIECE OF CRAP. oH WELL...

(She jumps off the stage, still in the Moses garb, and skips her way up the now deserted aisle. As she does so, she happens to glance down and see the Sloanes cowering in terror.)

DARIA: WELL, HELLO THERE! PLAYING SARDINES? OOOH, I LOVE THAT GAME!

(She drops down next to them. Katherine and Elsie let out little screams. Daria looks at them then at Tom.)

DARIA: (to Tom) KINDA JUMPY, AIN'T THEY?

ANGIER: Look, what do you want? Money? We've got plenty! Take it! Take it all!

DARIA: OH CUT IT OUT, JUNIOR. I DON'T WANT YOUR CASH. I'M JUST OUT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. (she leers at Tom) CARE TO JOIN ME, HANDSOME? i'M SURE WE COULD FIND SOME WAY TO AMUSE OURSELVES...

TOM: Ummm...

ANGIER: YOU STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY SON!

DARIA: (sighs, then whacks Angier with a large marlin) I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION, YOU SECOND RATE SCROOGE MCDUCK! 

TOM: Um...look, I already have a girlfriend.

DARIA: (standing up and posing melodramatically) OH CRUEL FATE! WHY MUST YOU MOCK ME SO! TO THINK THAT THE ONLY GUY WITH PERFECT TEETH AND A DAMN CUTE BUTT IN THIS TOWN IS ALREADY SPOKEN FOR! OH AGONY, OH SHAME, OH CANADA! 

(She starts bawling cartoonishly, then abruptly stops, and drops back down to Tom.)

DARIA: OF COURSE, YOUR LITTLE SQUEEZE DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT US, DOES SHE, SWEETCHEEKS?

TOM: Uhhhhh...

DARIA: THEN IT'S A DATE! I GOT ONE OR TWO THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF FIRST, BUT I'LL SEE YOU LATER TONIGHT, OKAY?

TOM: But I--

DARIA: OOOO! YOU FILTHY LITTLE PERVERT! I DON'T DO THAT SORT OF THING...NOT ON THE FIRST DATE ANYWAY. (She grabs Tom and kisses him deeply, then drops him leaving him dazed on the floor.) CATCH YOU LATER, GORGEOUS. TOODLES!

(Daria skips her way up the stares leving a very perplexed and halfway stunned Sloane family behind.)

(Cut to the outside of the Arts Center. Daria has returned to the green/yellow/lavander/red ensemble. As she does so, several police cars pull up, and a plethora of armed officers appears on the scene.)

LEAD COP: All right, you, put down your weapons and put your hands on top of your head! We have you surrounded!

DARIA: (doing so) SURE THING OFFICERS! NICE TO SEE LAWNDALE'S FINEST KNOW WHEN A REAL EMERGENCY IS GOING ON AND NOT JUST A SURPRISE SALE DOWN AT DO ME A DONUT!

(A couple of cops come up to cuff her and frisk her down. As the one doing the frisking does so, he finds a button on Daria's belt marked "DO NOT PUSH")

COP: What the? 

DARIA: I REALLY WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU...

(The cop, overwhelemed with curiosity, pushes the button. Suddenly, rockets fire in the heels of Daria's boots and she shoots off into the night.)

DARIA: (receding into the distance) I TOLD YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

(Cut back to the cops who are standing there blackened and singed.)

COP #2: So, smart guy, who's gonna file the report on THIS?

(Dissolve to later at the Sloane house. The family has arrived back at home.)

KATHERINE: Tom, make sure you lock your windows. I don't want that...creature showing up again.

TOM: Don't worry, Mom. I'm barracading the thing shut tonight. Do you need any help with Dad?

(We see Angier still looking like...well, like he was slapped with a fish,)

ANGIER: ...no thank you senator, I decline the egg rolls...

KATHERINE: I think I can handle him, honey. Good night.

TOM: Night, Mom.

(Tom goes upstairs and down the hall to his room. He stands to one side of the door and opens it. When nothing jumps out, he sighs with relief and turns to go into the room.)

(Cut to the light in Tom's room, which suddenly flicks on. Cut to Tom looking completely dumbfounded.)

TOM: What the fu--

(Cut to the bed, where we see Daria, still be-Masked, dressed in a scanty black lace teddy and striking a cover girl pose with her knees tucked underneathe rher and her hands behind her head.)

DARIA: HI THERE, LOVERBOY! TOLD YA I'D SEE YOU LATER!

(Cut to a side view of Tom in the hallway, Daria leans out, grabs the shocked Tom by the lapels of his jacket, and yanks him into the room. As Tom sails into the room, Daria somehow manages to yank him right out of his pants, revealing that Tom is a boxers man. He's also still earing his socks and shoes. As soon as he's in the door slams shut, and the pants drop into a heap on the floor. Sounds of an amourous mugging in progress are then heard.)

(Cut to a city skyline at night.)

CAPTION: Meanwhile, in Edge City...

(Dissolve to an well kept apartment. We see an attractive blond woman in her mid 30s sitting down in her living room with a sandwich and a glass of juice. Her hair is tied back in a ponytail. Her name is Kathy.)

(She gets herself situated with a chair and a TV tray, finds her TV remote and clicks on the TV. She raises the glass to her lips as she flips through the channels. Suddenly, she does a spit take, and stares at the TV in shock. She turns up the sound.)

TV: --and this is excluseive footage NBS has acquired from our local affiliate KSBC in Lawndale. As you can see from this footage, the mysterious "Big-Head Killer" has resurfaced again, following his recent rampage eight weeks ago in New York City, where seven people met their untimely end. Big-Head is credited for first appearing in Edge City, where several suspected Mafia heads reportedly met their untimely end at his hands, along with many of the city's police officers. Additional sightings have been reported in Sky City and New Orleans--

(Sure enough, on the TV we can see the be-Masked Daria rampaging at the Lawndale High stadium.)

KATHY: (whispering) Oh God...It's BACK.

(She gets up quickly, knocking the TV tray over and grabs her phone. She dials frantically. We hear the phone ringing on the other end.)

KATHY: Come on, come on...pick up already, you have to be home...

(Cut to a small house across town. The foyer is dark. The phone is ringing. The door opens and a light is flipped on, revealling a square jawed,w eary looking man in his early 40's. This is Lt. Kellaway of the ECPD.)

KELLAWAY: (to the ringing phone) Yeah, yeah, keep your shorts on. (he picks up the phone) Whaddya want?

KATHY: Kellaway?

KELLAWAY: Kathy? What's up? You sound upset.

KATHY: Damn right I am, and you better get ready to be too. Put your TV on channel 7.

(Kellaway frowns and takes his phone into the living room. He turns on the TV and sits on the arm of his couch.)

TV: --Killer is well known for disappearing for months at a time, then reappearing in a massive spree of violence. Many believe the rampages could have been stopped if Lt. Kellaway of the Edge City Police Department had managed to capture Big-Head when he first appeared--

KELLAWAY: (growls) Yeah, sure. You guys try it...

(Split screen between Kellaway and Kathy)

KATHY: What?

KELLAWAY: Not you. The damn TV.

KATHY: Stop worrying about your damn ego, Kellaway! This is serious! I thought you said the NYPD had the Mask in it's evidence locker!

KELLAWAY: They did! I don't know how it got loose!

KATHY: All right, never mind that. You do realize what this means?

KELLAWAY: Yeah, I have to get to Lawndale.

KATHY: Guess again, Kellaway. WE'RE going to Lawndale...

(TO BE CONTINUED...)


End file.
